Five in the mornings are always like this, he thought, looking at the dead cellphone with the smudgy blackened screen. But it was more than that this time. This was one of those moments, when after you do the same things the same way, for a long period of your life, finally, and for no reason, something changes. And it’s been so long that you didn’t even want it to change actually. But it did anyway, that was it.That was the last time he went to the clubs, last night spent drinking and dancing and trying to impress the girls, all of that. The last. What would it be from now on he couldn’t figure, onlye no more of the ambience, the fake attitude, the fake people, the smell and stupid music that only serves for some needs: to move and excite.

So getting out of the club, early in the morning, the still foggy streets and soggy ground and groggy people leaving home and somehow drunk cockroaches tottering back to the drains and  surprisingly, no sounds. That was the feel of the morning, there was a certain transparence to the air, with no sounds. But not for long, soon the cars would start and the people would wake up and head to work and all of that mess would begin again. Now, this moment, before all that, this was magic. Too bad it was even hard for him to put his head up, so heavy it was, sitting in the gutter. But no matter how drunk or hungover was he, one thing was clear like the morning air: no more of this. But it would have to wait for the afternoon. And soon he fell asleep.


Noon came and evening came and finally he was home, rested and clean. And he couldn’t remember one thing from the last night. Not a single glimpse. ‘There was something important, it seems, maybe a pretty girl I met or something’. But nothing came from memory. So he did just the usual, made dinner, ate, and watched TV till the night came, it was the summer break and college wouldn’t start again until two weeks later. One had to enjoy the leasure time.
Night came and he sat alone in the kitchen. Living alone was, he thought, the best thing ever. No one to worry about, do whatever you want, go wherever you please and at whatever times you find best. But reality was, he was always lonely. Thus the constant club partying, the girls, the bars and so much people. That day, however, he felt something was off, so he went to bed early, not even checking his phone.

But a burst! Not a real burst, but something inside. He woke up sweating and with an ominous feeling. 2am. He got up to drink a glass of water, but somehow went directly to the front door, and opened it with a tug. The car seemed to gleam with a whole new light. He got inside, cleaned the windows from the cold fog and started the car. He noticed he hadn’t closed the door, he noticed it was if fact 2am, but he also noticed none of these things could stop him now.

Where to? He didn’t know. He just started the engine and got it running, got into the streets and went on. He suddenly knew where to go – or better, his hands knew, his body. Not his mind, which at this moment was still trying to understand what exactly was happening. So he drove and drove through the night, beyond the houses and buildings and beyond every known place for hours, to an unknown road. Why? So after twenty or thirty minutes – time seemed to pass fast through the car – he just stopped. Only darkness around. Where was this road after all? What was that called him there? He was beginning to regain his senses. But this far? So he turned off the car, got out and looked around. Some cars sparsely passed by, making a hushing noise and lighting the hill where he was for moments, before disappearing and going back to almost total darkness. ‘One more night of these and I’m done’ he thought, and suddenly he remembered everything from the last night, especially his vow, to stop living like he was used to. ‘Yes, that’s it’. And as he pronounced these words, as if it were magical words suddenly a car passing fast smashed against a huge truck, being thrown in the air before falling about 3 meters away upside down. The truck had no damage to be seen but the light from the car illuminated the truck’s glass filled with blood.

After that everything went still again. He was in a bit of shock so he just entered the car, turned the engine on and ran back into the road, the opposite direction. You gotta understand, he was having a very strange night, strangest in fact, than all of the others he had in his simple life. So he drove fastest as he could in the empty road. And he kept on driving fast until the first rays of light began to appear through the clouds. Was that a calling of some type? Why did he go there? To see the accident? Did he cause the accident, should he had a part in it? And answers would not come. By 7am he arrived home. The door was still open. He was terribly confused.

He was also terribly thirsty.


So this is me. I’m an ant trying to reach for the table, AND the chair AND the television. Notice how small are the ant’s arms. There’s no way it can reach any of those things no matter how much effort she puts into it. Not on her own, not right now.

There are a couple ways the ant could reach all of it. She could (1) walk the long path, going after it, walking miles (for her!), climbing stuff, possibly falling a couple times until she finally reaches it, or (2) join forces with ants who also want to get to that spot and making a living stairs like ants usually do, afterwards dividin the prize as deserved, or she could (3) build her strengths over time until she becomes a bigger and winged ant, when she’ll be able to easily fly over to the table or any other goal.

But still she can not reach all of it at the same time. Clearly each of those items are in different direction, if it tries to reach all of them, the force in so many opposite directions will keep her exactly where she is, and no amount of suffering  or anger will help her reach any of it faster. It will instead, obviously slow the process down, for no suffering being can work at its full power.

Assistir vlogs me faz não sentir solitário. Creio que isso significa também que eu preciso ter mais amigos e passar mais tempo com eles. Acontece que ao mesmo tempo que eu preciso estar com amigos, eu preciso também regularmente estar sozinho. Fazer essa divisão é difícil.

Ao mesmo tempo, acabo de entender uma coisa, que pode parecer óbvia pra alguns, mas nunca é tarde (nem cedo) pra aprender sobre si mesmo e sobre a vida. Enfim, entendi agora que eu não preciso ser forte. Eu vejo que as pessoas são fortes e fracas em diferentes momentos, eu quero dizer, elas são tudo isso, não só uma coisa ou outra. E que não tem problema ser fraco às vezes.